a reflection

This past weekend I was at my cousins house for my neice's 9th bday! eeeek... 9 years already??? yikes! ok, but that's beside the point. I run into Ebba whom I haven't chatted with in a while. So obviously the conversation starts with "How've you been? What've you been up to?" etc etc. So in talking she says, "Wow... I bet your parents are really happy!" gulp. Did she just bring up that tought topic? But hey, I don't try to avoid it b/c I believe that talking about it will only make me stronger and therefore allow me to love them even more it that's possible. So I started to mention about it's crazy how much has happened since Mom and Dad passed. I mean it doesn't seem like too long ago that Mom passed and definitely doesn't seem that long ago that Dad passed yet... so much has happened. Mom has never seen the metrorail. And if you are from Houston, you know it's been up for a while. But she's never seen it. I remember that the metrorail first started running while Mom was already in the hospital and unfortunately she never made it out to see it. Mom never was alive when I graduated college or when I got my first "real" job, when I got married both civil and church... she's never been to my apartment. At least not my current one. She's never seen my car. She's never seen me transform into a lady! I mean I was always such a tomboy! It makes me cry b/c those are things you want to share with someone you love that much, but it also makes you aware of how much time has actually passed. She never knew my brother started his own company... that I'm helping him now... she never saw Merrill grow up or Madeline even born... if I'm emotional now, how emotional will I be when I have kids of my own? Dad's never been in my new car... he wasn't here when I started working with my brother... I've just noticed something. But first I ahve to admit that although I accept the opportunity to talk about my parents... I did duck out of our conversation before I started to let the tears actually fall out my eyeballs.

Ok so what did I notice? That after Mom passed life went by so fast! And after Dad passed it started to slow back down. I guess because after Mom passed we all knew that Dad wasn't too far behind and so we (well I know at least I) tried to do a lot before Dad passed... so that at least one of my parents were there. I never regret anything... everything happens for a reason. But definitely I would tell people not to take their parents for granted. I could only wonder what it would be like experiencing those things with my parents. How proud Mom would be that I'm a lady! and even prouder that I graduated collge. Oh man... I remember when she was still in the hospital I wouold talk to her all the time even though she couldn't talk back because of the trach. But the semester had just ended for me and I was so nervous about passing a ceratin class. You see I had taken it for the 3rd time... and 3 times is all you get. If I didn't pass (and not just pass, but get a C atleast) that was it... you had to change your major and I only had 9 hours left. Before Mom went in she knew how nervous I was... not to mention how nervouse SHE was since she put me through school. I got the news while Mom was in the hospital that I passed the class. I could go on to finish my 9 credits and get the hell out of there! I was so excited to tell her! And when I did, I could just see the joy in her eyes... she didn't have to talk... her eyes said it all and that made me even happier. of course Dad was so weak but even he had the energy to get excited about it. man... I miss them so much.

You know I've noticed that my uncle (my mom's brother) had become more affectionate towards me. I used to just "bless" him everytime I saw him. Now he won't take just that, he hugs me instead... and pretty big too. Not just that "tap" hug like hey how are you. I mean a real hug. Means a lot to me. The things that you can tell a person without talking.

Whew. That's enough tears to get my eyes swollen for tomorrow. Irene's right... this damn blog thing can be very therapeutic. How it's any different from just thinking it, I don't know but it is. It's better.