Missing you

My first blog. I'm not sure, really, why I've even created a blog. Who am I typing to? Do I even want people to read this? I'm not sure. But during my drives to and from work I think of a whole lot of stuff and sometimes I want to record that... somewhere. I've always thought about keeping a blog but then I think... everyone will be all up in my business. haha... but then again, it's almost self therapy except that I'm in no need for therapy. Dammit... I just decided to keep a blog.

So my first "reflection" is called 'Missing you' and that's directed towards my parents. Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of Dad's death. I can't believe it's been a year already; still seems like yesterday he passed but then again it still feels like yesterday Mom passed and that was in 2004. I assume it's common for people to think about a lot of things while driving... I mean it's really the only time you have time to think/reflect during our busy lives. Recently (and I mean these last few months) I often think about things I will miss because Mom and Dad are no longer physically here. Aside from missing their presence, I realize how much I've grown since their passing. I mean, I know I am still the same person, but I've grown in some aspects that are more... adult-like. Married life. Sure we have ups and downs, but overall it's great. But I miss that I will never be able to talk to my parents about that. Not necessarily to get advice (well maybe that) but just little things. Little things like, "So Mom, when Dad irritates you what do you do?" Or "Dad, when Mom had her once a month "deals" how'd you deal with that?" Not really advice but common ground... topics to share with your parents. In some sense I miss that although I was very close with my parents, I will miss the chance to be friends with them. That sounds weird. But on some level I feel that as you get older, as you get wiser, you start to understand your parents more and therefore have more common ground... stuff to chat about. I'm going to miss that.

I'm going to miss that feeling of calling my mom when I first get pregnant... I already missed her during the planning of my wedding. When I have my first child... buy my first house... my children will never know my parents and I think that bothers me the most. Oh... and how GIRLY I've become in the last two years is insane. I've been a tomboy my whole life, and when I start to become girly, Mom passes... the ultimate girl of them all! I'll miss the shopping, the "Mom guess what I bought!" or "Look at the earrings I got and just for $5.00!"

Mom... she was the most caring and loving person I think I'll ever know. Dad has got to be the wiset person I'll ever know. Although I miss them everyday, I have no regrets. Sure, if I could, I'd do some things different like... be girly sooner, grow up faster... but really I have no regrets because I have and always will believe that everything happens for a reason. And maybe I grew up more when I did because they passed. And I certainly don't want anyone feeling sorry for me because that is not the point of this. It is what it is... a reflection.

Tomorrow we celebrate Dad's life and remember and celebrate Mom as well. I'm grateful I had my parents as long as I did. I'm gratful I had freakin' awesome parents. If one day I can be half as good a parent as they were I will consider myself lucky.

Rest in peace Mom and Dad. I love you both very much.